Today Jane would be 6 months and 8 days old. Its been just over 4.5 months since she died. Life is lonely. My dreams of waking early mornings to cuddle with her or wiping her early morning tears because she’s hungry, needing a diaper change or just wanting her Mama to wake up and play with her have ceased to exist. The phone calls and cards have dwindled to almost nothing. And, although, Daniel is here with me struggling with the same deep pain we are both on our lonely and painful journey. It is true…my world stops, but the rest of the world keeps going.
That’s inevitable…but what now? What to do with myself at a time when life doesn’t feel the same, doesn’t taste as sweet, when the pain never goes away and all I want to do is just sit and drink my coffee…that is the big question? After I weigh most of my options I find that the best thing to do is to face GRIEF head on: face the pain, the loneliness, the anger, the hurt, the questions, the occasional happiness when I remember that MY Jane is in Heaven (how awesome is that?!!), and all the other roller coaster of emotions that come with this unwanted journey. So that is what I am doing. I’m not perfect at it by any means and there are plenty of days that I try to avoid the grief, but it always comes back to haunt me. One day at a time, or better yet, one half day at a time. First take on the morning or maybe let it pass and then take on the afternoon (or maybe let that pass, too).
So, last week I went for a run for the first time. It was quite exhilarating and boy did the tears pour out. That was the first time that I had actually accomplished something all the way through. I DID IT. I ran 4 miles and didnt stop. At the end, when my body was so exhausted I just cried out to Jane and told her that I was doing this for her. I was going to get healthy…I was not going to give up…I am going to continue living (even if at most times I feel like I am just existing). Later that week I even learned to crochet! I am excited to make little newborn and preemie beanies for the babies who are sick. I remember when Jane was in the hospital and I got her a cute pink and brown teddy bear hat. She was so adorable in that little hat and the nurses loved it. I know how it is to be that mom that sits and stares at her baby all day. We could still dress our babies up and have them look just as cute, even with all the accessories of tubes and IVs. It’s those little things that bring tears of happiness and good memories to the surface.
I think it’s safe to say that facing grief head on can be soooooo tiring and difficult, but in the weeks to come I always thank myself. Finding tiny little things to pour myself into that honor Jane and encourage me to live up to the mom I would have been for Jane help me in the times of loneliness. This is my journey and only I can go through it.