Today I walked into my grief counselors office and had to hit myself. I thought, “this is a dream, isn’t it? I didn’t really have a daughter who passed away. Wait, you mean I’m 28 years old and I am walking into a grief counseling appointment because my baby girl passed away, seriously, this is real???”
I find that many days I am still in denial about all of this. How could it be? How could it be that almost a year ago I bore a beautiful child of God, a gift and blessing like no other, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen or felt and it was snatched from me. Every day I wake up hoping that my nightmare will end, that none of it true. Except, that it IS true. It is sooooo very, very TRUE and REAL.
The other days that I am not in denial I’m usually ready to scream my head off at the world. I see the silliest things happening around me and I just want to shake some people and knock some sense into them. You know, let them know that things aren’t that bad for them. But then who am I to talk? I have to keep reminding myself that my journey is different (blah, blah, blah)…that whole compassion thing or something? I dunno?! (That was a little blunt, huh?) The rest of my days I just carry on because thats what I have to do. Most of my time is spent thinking about Jane, all of her cute, tiny details of her body and of course when Christ plans on returning because I’m losing patience every day. PLEASE HURRY!!!
So here I am and another year has come and gone. I definitely have not made any resolutions this year. I think I will just see where the wind takes me. Thats what I have been doing and I seem to be getting by. I will continue to ask God and seek His peace, the peace that surpasses understanding. Maybe, just maybe…I’ll even seek joy. (but let’s not get too carried away 🙂
Dear Elisabeth, I feel your pain! I find myself doing the same things and feeling the same way! Why? Because I am your parent, and we see you go thru your grief and it hurts us. We go in circles wondering what can we do or say to you to take away your pain, emptiness & frustrations. All we can do is pray and hope for better days ahead for you. You will find that Joy again. The way we all spent Janes heavenly birthday was a perfect day! We visited Jane with tears and smiles. Then we fed people who were in need of food, caring and love. Peace be unto you!