Naturally, after the passing of Jane, my mind has been running non stop with questions, battling with what has happened, and constantly reminding myself that God’s plan never returns void (Romans 8:28). I was also reminded of the story in Daniel where Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were tested but in the end they proclaimed that no matter what the outcome was they would never bow down to the gods and idols, they would only worship and give glory to the one true God (Daniel 3:16-18).

So, as I ponder these truths and work them in my mind over and over again I still feel the deepest pain imagineable with Jane not being here by my side. I dream about life with her, how wonderful it was, and how peaceful I felt. Life with Jane was simpler. I realized what was important and how many things didn’t even matter. I mean, Daniel and I took cold showers for a month in Stanford because the water never got hot. We asked them to fix it, but it never happened. I wore the same 3 pants and shirts over and over. Now I’m not saying we all haven’t been there. In fact I’m sure all mothers and fathers can vouch for the sacrifices they make for their children- ours weren’t any greater…my point that I’m coming to is that we all make sacrifices and I just finally realized that my life was so much better when I started focusing on the Lord; that a life for Christ is so much more fulfilling. Paul writes in Romans 12: I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.² And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

With the Passover approaching I cant help but think about God sacrificing His own Son and me having to give up Jane to the Lord. In no way am I comparing the sacrifices because giving up Jane doesnt even come close….God willingly sacrificed His son and, quite frankly, I would never have willingly gave up Jane. What I do know, though, is that God willingly gave up His son for me, to gift me with salvation and because of this I cant help but fall on the Lord and know that He loves me so much and will not forsake me. So now, Lord, I ask that if you would only take away a part of this pain that pierces my heart I would be grateful.

I read this Psalm to Jane very often….

I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
² He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
³ He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.

Well, here we are in the Promised Land… and our troubles are still with us. Many people told us to enjoy ourselves on our trip and for some crazy reason I thought we would get away and actually enjoy ourselves, that being away from “it” all would be the ticket away from pain. Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Grieving is grieving no matter where you are!!! Nonetheless, we are trying very hard to just be and soak up the culture and take-in the experience before us.

So far we haven’t seen much. We wandered through the old city and wailed at the western wall. We went to the Holy Sepulchre Church where, supposedly is the place, Christ was crucified. I’ve formed a few opinions so far and they may change over time, but so far I don’t get the whole thing about people feeling Gods presence here… More than other places in the world. I’m not taking away from the fact that this is REAL stuff and it’s the Bible land… It’s just that so far all of the holy sites have been turned into shrines and I just don’t get it. It doesn’t remind me of our Shepherd, Jesus Christ. But, again, that’s just my opinion and anyone can disagree.

Anyhow, it’s tough being on this trip but we are powering through and hoping something good comes from it. Our prayer is that God makes us feel like His beloved children, that He reminds us that He loves us and will not forsake us. Of course we know what the scriptures say, but we want to “feel” it. ***on a side note, and I’m just throwing this out there for anyone who may still read our blog- Please don’t feel the need to apologize if you bring tears to our eyes when talking with us. We cry on our own in private, in public and in talking with others. Honestly, it is relieving and feels good!!! So, in all love, don’t apologize and please don’t tell us not to cry. (just putting that out there)

Tomorrow is the last day of Passover for the Jews, the beginning of Easter for the Greek Orthodox, a huge prayer day for Muslims ( as is every Friday), AND it’s Friday the 13th!!! Jerusalem is going to be a maze!!!

I think it is safe to say that this trip has been, hmmm, eye-opening…interesting…chaotic..necessary….let’s just say it has been many things!!! Here are just a few of the funny highlights that go to prove I am a complete wreck! Lol!!! (I have to laugh about it, I have no other choice, well, besides to cry).

1. Somehow I got our arrival date to israel wrong (even though I booked the tickets). So, when we arrived on the 19th at 2:30am instead of on the 20th we had no place to stay. We were both over tired, Daniel was starving, nothing was open and we were lost in an unknown city. (and for the record they might as well post a CLOSED sign in Israel during Passover).

2. In a matter of a week we managed to change hotels 4 times in the same city. That was chaotic and I can’t quite figure out how that was planned either.

3. We managed to make it out of Israel and into Rome after arguing with the Israeli rental car company over 1/4 of a gallon of gas or less. Apparently we didn’t overfill the car with gas… I dunno??!!

4. Since we decided to come home early I needed to change our hotel reservations in Italy. We showed up at this little old Italian lady’s house in Rome. She hosts a small B&B. She buzzes us into the building and I tell her that we are staying with her. She looks totally confused…so we go up to her apartment and she has nothing on her books. After a while I realize that I changed our arrival for may 20th instead of April 20th. Ahhh!!! We laugh, she laughs, and then tells us that she had worked with the reservation company for 13 years and nothing like this has ever happened. Lol!!! She kindly called her friend who has a vacant apartment and we have been able to stay there.

5. We rented bikes one day and during a leisurely bike ride I managed to run into a piece of rebar and tear a perfectly round hole in my sweatshirt.

6. Daniel dragged me all over Rome today trying to find tickets for the soccer game. We finally find the place, get our tickets and head to the game. After half time we decided to move up a few rows because something was blocking our view… I had just finished telling Daniel that it is so gross how everybody smokes here. It seemed like right after that everybody around me decided to light up. I had at least 4 cigarettes blowing right into my face. Needless to say, Daniel and I have become second hand smokers. (ok, so not really.., but it feels like it)

7. I walk into the women’s bathroom at the stadium but I was so confused that men kept walking out of the stalls. I double checked.., I was in the women’s restroom. I dunno??! Oh and apparently it’s a BYOtoiletpaper. Who woulda known?! Lol!!

These are just some of the adventurous things we have experienced…what a vacation. At least we’ve had some laughs!!!

8. Daniel just reminded me of #8… So we are on the mt. of beatitudes, overlooking the galilee and reading the sermon on the mount from Matthew 5. It was very peaceful and beautiful.., as soon as Daniel finished reading a bird pooped on his leg. This was just confirmation to us that a life for God means we will get pooped on. Perfect timing right??!! Haha!

We have returned from our journey to the Bible lands…and what an interesting trip it was! It was very different than we had expected, but what isn’t a surprise these days??!! Life has done nothing but surprise us and send us in a direction that we have never even dreamed about.

I’d like to take one more opportunity to thank all of you who have supported us and those of you who continue to hold us up. This is by far our worst nightmare and it feels like we’ve tasted a bit of hell—agony, suffering, pain. I’m sure glad we don’t have to experience this for eternity. It’s funny how life circumstances change our perspectives on life. Sometimes people think that once someone changes their mind on a topic they suddenly become hypocrites. I beg to differ…life happens and we learn and grow. Right now I cant say we’ve learned a whole lot and quite honestly I don’t care to learn anything…we miss Jane, we’re still grieving her loss, and are still thinking about her nonstop. But I’ll tell ya what- Heaven never sounded sooooo good!!! So, here we are, complete wrecks and transparent to the world taking one day at a time, even one moment at a time. We’re learning to accept the “new” me and find a “new” normal for us both. Yes, Jane will have a brother or sister one day- God willing… Yes, Jane is in a better place… Yes, Jane is no longer suffering…. I get all that. The thing about wounds, though, is that they heal, but deep cuts always leave a scar…a reminder of when we fell, a surgery we had, or the loss of our beloved child- Jane. So NOW and ALWAYS we will anticipate Christ’s return (more than we ever have before) and the day we get to reign with Him…where I no longer ache and suffer and I get to experience pure bliss like I did the 37 weeks Jane was in my womb and the 7 weeks that she lived and brought splendor to our life.  And ultimately see our Jane again.

With love,

Daniel & Elisabeth

Today Jane would be 6 months and 8 days old. Its been just over 4.5 months since she died. Life is lonely. My dreams of waking early mornings to cuddle with her or wiping her early morning tears because she’s hungry, needing a diaper change or just wanting her Mama to wake up and play with her have ceased to exist. The phone calls and cards have dwindled to almost nothing. And, although, Daniel is here with me struggling with the same deep pain we are both on our lonely and painful journey. It is true…my world stops, but the rest of the world keeps going.

That’s inevitable…but what now? What to do with myself at a time when life doesn’t feel the same, doesn’t taste as sweet, when the pain never goes away and all I want to do is just sit and drink my coffee…that is the big question? After I weigh most of my options I find that the best thing to do is to face GRIEF head on: face the pain, the loneliness, the anger, the hurt, the questions, the occasional happiness when I remember that MY Jane is in Heaven (how awesome is that?!!), and all the other roller coaster of emotions that come with this unwanted journey. So that is what I am doing. I’m not perfect at it by any means and there are plenty of days that I try to avoid the grief, but it always comes back to haunt me. One day at a time, or better yet, one half day at a time. First take on the morning or maybe let it pass and then take on the afternoon (or maybe let that pass, too).

So, last week I went for a run for the first time. It was quite exhilarating and boy did the tears pour out. That was the first time that I had actually accomplished something all the way through. I DID IT. I ran 4 miles and didnt stop. At the end, when my body was so exhausted I just cried out to Jane and told her that I was doing this for her. I was going to get healthy…I was not going to give up…I am going to continue living (even if at most times I feel like I am just existing). Later that week I even learned to crochet! I am excited to make little newborn and preemie beanies for the babies who are sick. I remember when Jane was in the hospital and I got her a cute pink and brown teddy bear hat. She was so adorable in that little hat and the nurses loved it. I know how it is to be that mom that sits and stares at her baby all day. We could still dress our babies up and have them look just as cute, even with all the accessories of tubes and IVs. 🙂 It’s those little things that bring tears of happiness and good memories to the surface.

I think it’s safe to say that facing grief head on can be soooooo tiring and difficult, but in the weeks to come I always thank myself. Finding tiny little things to pour myself into that honor Jane and encourage me to live up to the mom I would have been for Jane help me in the times of loneliness. This is my journey and only I can go through it.

I often reflect back on my time in the hospital. I read my previous posts and wonder how I possibly managed to make it through each day and then to get up and do it all over again. It’s funny, I never realized how sick Jane really was or what a roller coaster we were on because every day I was just taking care of my daughter, like any other mother would. Of course I was exhausted at times but mostly joyful for every moment I had with Jane. Nonetheless, it was not an easy journey.

One of the neatest things I have learned through this time is how important community is…friends, family and the random stranger that pops in! I know without a doubt that Daniel and I woke up every day with renewed strength because the Spirit of Christ carried us. He used His church of believers to do that. Every day or so we had somebody checking in on us…visiting, bringing words of encouragement, giving love abundantly and refueling our worn out bodies physically and spiritually. This help was with us the entire time we were in the hospital and right up until Jane’s burial. I vividly remember leaning against the wall in my house while people were gathered around and singing the afternoon after we buried Jane. I so badly wanted to fall to the ground, but I KNOW I was being held up…then something funny happened…after we buried Jane our support system went back to their own worlds, carried on with life and it literally felt like we were dropped to the ground- smack into the concrete! We had more pain than ever…our daughter was no longer with us, my arms were empty, our hearts were completely broken as the reality of Jane’s death began to set in, it felt like God had slammed the door on our faces and the people scattered.

So, as expected, I wondered and thought a lot about why this would happen. I knew I couldn’t have expectations of people; I knew that wouldn’t be fair. I knew people had lives to get back to. I knew this was given to me by God and there was no way on earth I could pass it off nor would I want to. I went through much turmoil just thinking about it and wondering how I could keep going. Slowly by slowly, Daniel and I received some very encouraging letters and my spirits were lifted tremendously. I was finally able to take a….very…deep…breath! And, more recently we had a group of people come visit us. At this point, I think I was floating a little.

I am just soooooo thankful for these moments of renewal. I had been on the ground for a long time and I couldn’t quite find the strength to get up. You know, it makes total sense why Apostle Paul wrote letters of encouragement and accountability. It’s easy for me to wonder when I will fall again or how long this “good feeling” will last. But for now, I’m basking in it! The encouragement and the love shown has lifted a tiny portion of this suffering. I’m taking a couple steps forward, I’m smiling a little more, pleasing Daniel by laughing at his jokes a little more 🙂 I have found that I underestimate what a little card or a phone call or a visit can do. It’s worth millions!