Today I walked into my grief counselors office and had to hit myself. I thought, “this is a dream, isn’t it? I didn’t really have a daughter who passed away. Wait, you mean I’m 28 years old and I am walking into a grief counseling appointment because my baby girl passed away, seriously, this is real???”

I find that many days I am still in denial about all of this. How could it be? How could it be that almost a year ago I bore a beautiful child of God, a gift and blessing like no other, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen or felt and it was snatched from me. Every day I wake up hoping that my nightmare will end, that none of it true. Except, that it IS true. It is sooooo very, very TRUE and REAL.

The other days that I am not in denial I’m usually ready to scream my head off at the world. I see the silliest things happening around me and I just want to shake some people and knock some sense into them. You know, let them know that things aren’t that bad for them. But then who am I to talk? I have to keep reminding myself that my journey is different (blah, blah, blah)…that whole compassion thing or something? I dunno?! (That was a little blunt, huh?) The rest of my days I just carry on because thats what I have to do. Most of my time is spent thinking about Jane, all of her cute, tiny details of her body and of course when Christ plans on returning because I’m losing patience every day. PLEASE HURRY!!!

So here I am and another year has come and gone. I definitely have not made any resolutions this year. I think I will just see where the wind takes me. Thats what I have been doing and I seem to be getting by. I will continue to ask God and seek His peace, the peace that surpasses understanding. Maybe, just maybe…I’ll even seek joy. (but let’s not get too carried away 🙂

It’s hard to swallow that its been a year already since my little girl was born. I often reflect on all the things that were going on around this time last year. I remember on the 17th I had breakfast at my aunts house with my Australia cousins. After breakfast, Daniel and I went to a fetal monitoring appointment. (which had become normal for us) Jane still wasn’t scheduled to be born until early February. We showed up to the appointment and that morning was the last time I would be home for the next 7 weeks….of course we didn’t expect any of that. Jane wasn’t moving around and tumbling as much as she usually had so the nurses sent me to the hospital to be checked in for overnight monitoring. Between bed pans and constant monitoring, not being able to get out of bed and needing to shower Daniel and I got comfortable and spent the night at St. Joes. In the morning on the 18th, Dr. Anzaldo came to visit us and told us that after much thought and weighing the pros and cons he would be doing a c-section that afternoon. DEEP BREATH….here we go…

I remember everything about that delivery. Side note: I was a volunteer at Hoag Hospital for a while so I watched several c-sections and had a good idea what was going on around me. I remember coming into the OR and it was too quiet. I asked the nurses where the music was and soon enough it was playing throughout the OR. After anesthesia and the whole process….Jane was born at 4:17pm. As soon as she was delivered a peace came over me like I had never experienced. My nerves were calm and I was so glad she was alive, that she had blessed us with her presence into this world. Daniel went right over to see her. I was sooooooo HAPPY and JOYFUL she was here!

Fast forward a year and here I am now….empty-armed, yet remembering everything about her, about my Jane. So, on her birthday we went to the cemetery to “visit” Jane. I guess I look at it more as a time to just stop and think about Jane, to cry, to remember. I went to the cemetery with my mom, my sister and Daniel. My in-laws placed 18 beautiful pink cyclamen at her grave. My mom brought a vase of vibrant flowers and 3 pink balloons. We released one of them up to the heavens. We all laughed and thought that if for some crazy reason that pink balloon really reached the heavens Jane would surely know it was for her. After we all had our moments of silence, our own personal thoughts about Jane we left the cemetery and went back home to prepare for dinner at the Ronald McDonald House. Daniel and I decided that we want to cook dinner at the Ronald McDonald House every year in celebration and honor of Jane’s birthday.

We had a nice time cooking dinner that evening. We even got to hear what other peoples lives were like at the moment and share the story of our Jane. There were tons of leftovers, but we were assured that the food will be eaten. Of course we know first hand the schedules of the parents with children in the hospital can be a little miscalculated.

A few months back my youngest brother touched my heart in such a beautiful way….

He came to me and told me that this year (2013) would be the last year he is eligible to auction a heifer at the Kern County Fair. He had decided that all of the money he raises he would like to donate to heart research in memory of his niece, Jane Siapin. As Jane’s mother, I was honored by his compassion, love and desire to improve the lives of others who may find themselves in the same traumatic experience that we have had- just last year. After much consideration, John decided that Lucille Packard Children’s Hospital would be his hospital of choice for the donation…

A bit of history— Jane was flown from Children’s Hospital of Orange County (CHOC) to Stanford for an emergency heart surgery 11 days into her life. We lived in Stanford for just over a month while she recovered from her heart surgery, at which point she was transferred back to CHOC to continue her recovery and died unexpectedly 3 days later. Because of her heart complications, she had many secondary complication that came into play. Our cardiologist told us that often times the challenge is helping such small babies survive through all of the machines and equipment that are actually trying to keep them alive. Nutrition is also a critical part in their ability to pull-through. More often than not, very small babies (like Jane) lack the ability to take in and process food efficiently so that their bodies can absorb all of the nutrients to help with their fight for survival. This is an area that still requires much research.

…Last year when John auctioned his heifer he had a goal of 10k and just missed the mark. This year he has held onto that goal of $10,000 and will donate ALL of the proceeds to Lucille Packard Children’s Hospital in Stanford. I love the way he worded it. He said to me, “I’m not interested in improving the beauty of the building, I want the money to go directly to research for Ebstein’s Anomaly (which was Jane’s congenital heart defect), or anything heart related in small babies. I wouldn’t even mind donating the money directly to some baby’s heart surgery.” We have already been in contact with Lucille Packard and that is exactly where the money will go. In fact, a few months back I spoke with Jane’s cardiologist and he is currently working on research that focuses on small babies with heart conditions.

If you would like to be part of this incredible donation, please review the following information:

1. You will need to fill out the Kern County Fair Junior Livestock Auction Form- Buyers Authorization, Designation, and Auction Number Application. It needs to be signed and either faxed and emailed back to: F- (877) 636-0299 ; Email- Daniel Siapin-danielsiapin@gmail.com

2. Checks can be made payable to: KCFJL and mailed to John Kosareff, 1250 Arrow Wood Drive, Brea CA 92821. A credit card donation is also acceptable.

3. The donation is 100% tax deductible

4. We will need to receive form and donation NO LATER than September 20, 2013.

Thank you very much for your support and willingness to improve the lives of others. The truth is, having a child die in your arms is by far the worst life-changing event that I have experienced. It sucks the life right out of you. If by God’s great mercy we are able to help future families, it is worth the effort and money.

I’d like to take this last moment to brag a little bit more about my brother, John. Growing up he has always had a heart of gold. I’ll never forget how much he loved animals. He use to gather together puppies that our dog had (thinking they were beanie babies) and just squeeze and love them with all his might. We usually had to intervene at some point and remind him they were real animals. . 🙂 Moving forward several years and into 2012, he was one guy that I could always talk to about Jane and share my memories. He has been comforting beyond what he knows. When he came to me with this idea of donating the money in memory of Jane, he wasn’t looking for any praise…but he surely deserves it. It really is an extraordinary action! Just recently an uncle of ours who lives in Australia was diagnosed with cancer. The family called to see if he would come live in Australia and help on the farm. With little thought, he agreed and left within a matter of days. He is coming back to auction his heifer during the week of the Kern County Fair and plans to return to Australia after the fair to continue helping our uncle and his family. John’s love and care for others continues to spill out unconditionally.