After we buried Jane a wise woman told me and Daniel that burying Jane was the easy part….the worse was yet to come. Our first response was, “Wait….really? How can it get any harder??” Well, she couldnt have been more RIGHT! It seems like each day we sink lower and lower and the only thing that has kept us from burying ourselves are the emails, text messages, phone calls, cards, visitors….those dropping by just to chat, drop off food, clean my house, get me out bed, sing to us…whatever it may be. One of the best feelings I have experienced so far is the afternoon after we buried Jane. A handful of friends and family came to our house to pray with us and as they sang the last song to finish up the prayer our house was filled with rejoiceful singing, calling out to our Lord and praising him. I wasnt in a “rejoiceful” mood, but I felt as if the singing was lifting me up and keeping me from crumbling to the ground. I just stood there aching but at the same time allowing the words and the spirit to cradle me. At a time of complete confusion and feeling completely lost I’m relying on God (and only God) to carry me through. I’ve realized that for the first time in my life I have NO IDEA what to do, how to be, whats to come…clueless. My life is 100% changed and I’m nervous and scared of what will come of it. Will I wake up in 6 months and find myself still lying in bed all day or will I have answers from God and resting in His peace? I’ve been encouraged to do whatever it is that I need to do to mourn, grieve and move forward in life. That is what I have decided to do. I dont know what that is going to look like, I have no road map or formula to plug in for an answer, but I’m taking each day and each emotion as it comes and embracing it. Many, many people have recommended that Daniel and I take some time to get away and re-connect. In fact a very dear couple has offered to send us away where ever we wish to go. For those of you who know me, traveling is one of my favorite things, but this time its not the same. Daniel and I dreamed of taking our next trip with Jane and showing her God’s land and all of His creation. As nervous as I am, I think it is going to be really positive for us. I’ve spent the last few months with Daniel by my side, but our focus has been only Jane. All we have talked about are TPN, heart defects, what the blood gas readings were….medical stuff.

Daniel and I are continuing on this journey of “life” and will begin to create and experience a new normal as parents. Although Jane is not with us physically, we will continue to walk the Good walk, to seek the Lord in all we do as if she were here watching us and looking up to us as her Mama and Papa. Jane will forever be our daughter…and I am still so proud to be the mother of a perfect child.