Jane is taking the smallest baby steps ever, but they are baby steps, and they are going forward. Things are extremely unstable, any tiny decline in her health will be catastrophic. The support she is on is not maxed out (which can be toxic) but significantly higher than some of the staff have seen in live babies.

She did pee a tiny bit today and more thIs evening, so that’s good news that her kidneys have turned back on a little bit. Also, we did see some slight movement throughout her body. That indicates neural activity (probably no brain damage).

She’s very sick and swollen and bleeding internally, so she’s nowhere close to being healthy.

But she will not die, she will live that we may proclaim the great works of the Lord.

I noticed Jane’s lungs less and less efficient over te last several hours. They had slight decreases in oxygen saturation in the blood. The doctor obliged to an x-ray, and found that Jane has a re-collapsed lung caused by extremely high ventilator pressure going into her lungs to keep her alive the last 48 hours . The air was too much for the lung, and started leaking into her chest. He decided to get that air out immediately, so he poked a hole in her chest and was able to get some of the air out. But to get it all out, he inserted a chest tube to suck it out. Not a safe procedure for a baby that can’t clot. BUT thank God her clotting ability spiked earlier tonight, and the procedure was a breeze.

Now hopefully I can finally go collapse for a couple hours before the day gets started.

Jane Daniel Siapin

Fought the good fight for 7 weeks.

Grew tired and is now with our Lord.

Funeral Services                                                                                                          Viewing: Monday, March 12-beginning at 4pm.                                                                New Romanovsky Church, 14647 Broadway, Whittier CA 90604                                  Burial: Tuesday, March 13 at 1pm                                                                              “Slauson Cemetery”, 7201 E. Slauson Ave., City of Commerce 90040.

We have some thoughts and questions and things that we just want to put on paper (or computer) for our own benefit. For me and myself, I’ve been having tons of thoughts, and some that I just want to put on this page, for me.

I’ll be gathering them and will post something this weekend

plus we’ll add a picture of our angel Jane!

I suppose that the pain of missing Jane only gets deeper. Our home is too quiet, especially since we were soooo excited about having a house full of Jane’s noises.

It’s totally helpful that I have a really good imagination, and can still smell Jane’s scent in my mind.

Mark 11:24 plainly says, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” We asked for Jane so many times. I really am having a hard time making sense out of that, missing her…

I’ve been told several times that eventually we’ll “just move on”. That makes my blood boil. What I decided instead that makes the most sense to me is “just keep going”.

UPDATE: The second I posted this, I heard someone I respect greatly say, “there are some things in life that you will never get thru with just prayer.” Then, “God will not take away your problems immediately.” I suppose this means something to me.

After we buried Jane a wise woman told me and Daniel that burying Jane was the easy part….the worse was yet to come. Our first response was, “Wait….really? How can it get any harder??” Well, she couldnt have been more RIGHT! It seems like each day we sink lower and lower and the only thing that has kept us from burying ourselves are the emails, text messages, phone calls, cards, visitors….those dropping by just to chat, drop off food, clean my house, get me out bed, sing to us…whatever it may be. One of the best feelings I have experienced so far is the afternoon after we buried Jane. A handful of friends and family came to our house to pray with us and as they sang the last song to finish up the prayer our house was filled with rejoiceful singing, calling out to our Lord and praising him. I wasnt in a “rejoiceful” mood, but I felt as if the singing was lifting me up and keeping me from crumbling to the ground. I just stood there aching but at the same time allowing the words and the spirit to cradle me. At a time of complete confusion and feeling completely lost I’m relying on God (and only God) to carry me through. I’ve realized that for the first time in my life I have NO IDEA what to do, how to be, whats to come…clueless. My life is 100% changed and I’m nervous and scared of what will come of it. Will I wake up in 6 months and find myself still lying in bed all day or will I have answers from God and resting in His peace? I’ve been encouraged to do whatever it is that I need to do to mourn, grieve and move forward in life. That is what I have decided to do. I dont know what that is going to look like, I have no road map or formula to plug in for an answer, but I’m taking each day and each emotion as it comes and embracing it. Many, many people have recommended that Daniel and I take some time to get away and re-connect. In fact a very dear couple has offered to send us away where ever we wish to go. For those of you who know me, traveling is one of my favorite things, but this time its not the same. Daniel and I dreamed of taking our next trip with Jane and showing her God’s land and all of His creation. As nervous as I am, I think it is going to be really positive for us. I’ve spent the last few months with Daniel by my side, but our focus has been only Jane. All we have talked about are TPN, heart defects, what the blood gas readings were….medical stuff.

Daniel and I are continuing on this journey of “life” and will begin to create and experience a new normal as parents. Although Jane is not with us physically, we will continue to walk the Good walk, to seek the Lord in all we do as if she were here watching us and looking up to us as her Mama and Papa. Jane will forever be our daughter…and I am still so proud to be the mother of a perfect child.